Edie and Andy

I want to be Edie Sedgwick.

Last week I watched "Factory Girl" with a few friends. It was about her, and largely about her time being the it girl with Andy Warhol. I watched this movie. I saw how flash-in-the-pan she was. I saw the destruction of her life from her time in the factory. I saw how drugs ruined her life.

But I still want to be her. What is it about the sixties that make me believe that everything was necessary? There is no monumental social movement going on right now. I spent four years of college not protesting. I realize that the relationship she had with Andy Warhol literally killed her. So why do I want to be her? Why would I risk it all to be that it girl? It's the general feeling I have about the sixties. I just want to be a part of something. I am tired of sitting here, doing nothing with my life. Even the thing I really want to do seems stupid in the grand scheme of things. I just want to be important. I want what I do to leave something behind. Edie Sedgwick made a splash in one year. Kurt, Janis, Jimi, and Jim all died at 27, but they still changed the world. I want to be important. That's it. I don't even want to be famous necessarily. I just want what I do to matter.

Who has the drugs to make this happen?

Do I need drugs to make this happen?

I'M SO RESTLESS I COULD JUST GET IN MY CAR AND DRIVE TO PARIS. LITERALLY. LET'S DRIVE TO PARIS. OR LONDON. OR FUCKING ANYWHERE. I NEED TO LEAVE.

Here's to making it happen.

Chelsea

It's Friday night/Saturday morning. Since Monday I have eaten grilled cheese while drunk three times. This feels wrong.

Welcome to the life of someone that has nothing to do. I realize that it hasn't even been two weeks since I graduated from college, but it feels like eons. I, as a person who enjoys feeling needed, hate being this bored. There is this magical time of the day when one roommate is at work and the other is in class and pseudo roomie goes to work where I feel completely and utterly useless. It's to the point where I can't even do things that I need to be doing. It took me days to clean my pit of a bedroom because I just have no gumption to do anything. Because I know that I have endless amounts of time to complete it.

I need a job.

I'd like a lover/boyfriend who is also jobless so that we can fill our hours with wanton sex.

I could use an endless supply of free wine.

Welcome to the real world?

It's so funny because that used to annoy the hell out of me. When people would say to me "well at least you're still in college, just wait until you get to the real world". I have been pretty firmly planted in the real world for some time, considering that I was in school full time and working to support myself. I'd call that pretty real. This is surreal. Here I am, in this "real world" that every one has been telling me about. And it doesn't seem real. I have nothing to do. I have nowhere to go. I have no homework, no papers to write. I have nothing to study for. This thought simultaneously thrills me and bothers me. I just need to fill my time with something other than watching TV. I do realize that this responsibility lies squarely on my shoulders. And I do realize that I'm currently complaining. Not trying to be dramatic.

It's 4:33 AM. I should be sleeping.

Instead I'm here, spitting out my problems to 8 people I know and other randos I don't.

It's now 4:43...and since the last ten minutes have gone by without any new thoughts or revelations I'd say it's time to attempt sleep. One of these days I will write a blog concerning nothing but happy things. Puppies and kittens. That kind of shit. Everyone loves puppies.

To the Hallowed Halls and Vine Draped Walls

So I'm graduating tomorrow. 4 years. It seems simultaneously like eons and like about 2 seconds. I have met so many incredible people here. Two of the best friends I will ever hope to find anywhere, people that have been there for me at every point of my college career. We have been through everything together. We've all seen each other at our lowest and highest. I honestly am not even sure I could have gotten through college without both of them there. I'm feeling uber nostalgic right now, which is probably natural and unfortunately girly (le barf). I just wish that there were words to express what this feels like. It's weird. It's scary. It's exciting. It just is.

So what do we do now? I feel like I'm missing something, like there is a piece to the puzzle that got lost in the move. I feel like there are things that I have needed to do that I forgot. I'm sleeping like shit and eating even worse. And tomorrow I graduate and then I'm just here. Floating. I'm not a student anymore and I will now feel a little pathetic writing BA English on job applications to restaurants.

I've also been getting the sense that I haven't done enough with my 4 years. I haven't really done anything but school and work. I feel like I need to have more experiences at this point in my life. I'm 22. Where did all the excitement go? I spent too much time being responsible, and now I have to be that constantly. But I don't want to go back either, because I'm burnt out. I'm tired of pulling all nighters and feeling guilty on the weekends for having fun instead of studying. And I'm tired of required reading. So this is all going to be better right?

I want this feeling to go away.

And to Katie and Haley: I love you. More than you could ever realize.