Elephants

It's almost February. I graduate in May. I have no job. I have no money.

Sometimes I feel like I'm bungee jumping with a faulty cord. The fall is this semester, the snap and smash is going to be May. The absolute last thing I want is to live at home. That being said, I probably can't even do that because my parents are struggling to make it right now. They may not have a house in the next few months. So where do I go? Do I try to stay here? Do I move far? I really have no idea. If I think about it for too long I get this really tight feeling in my chest, I feel like hyperventilating.

I'm ready to be done with college. But I'm terrified to be done with it as well. I'm afraid to move to a new place and become a hermit. My natural tendency is to be reclusive. I have to really fight to go be social. Being surrounded by friends, my natural tendencies get pushed aside. I'm just worried that I won't meet anyone. I'll be a loner with a lot of cats and a musty smell.

I'm trying not to think about it, but it seeps in to my mind so often that I'm having trouble pushing it away. It's the big ol' elephant and it seems to be getting larger.

Last semester I was stressed for a completely different reason. Last semester, this one event pushed me in to recluse mode. Granted, this thing completely fucked my world up, so being a hermit was almost inevitable. But this semester I'm dealing with the complete terror of the uncertainty of my future. And I'm dealing with it by going out and getting obliterated more than I have since the first semester of my freshman year. It's almost a complete 360. I'm not sure that this is the right way to deal with it, especially considering my family history, but this is how I'm dealing.

I just have to hope that everything will work out. I have to work for what I want, and I have to work for security.

But...if all else fails I'll marry rich. :-)